Hilary Branch

So, I figure it’s time for a quick post.  Just to say that I’ve made to the top 15 of Saint John idol!  Yay!  Honestly, it was a bit of a struggle to even enter it.  My inner punkrocker said no.  But I’ve decided to rebel against my inner punkrocker, which I think is twice as punk rock.  So there you go.

Last Wednesday was the first time we all sang full songs.  I had been practicing “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson, only to find out at the last minute that there had been some miscommunication.  The girl performing two spots ahead of me (I pulled the last number..of course) was in fact singing Breakaway and they had me down to sing Viva La Vida.  Which I had never played before.  So, I told them I would pick a new song.

So I went off and prayed my arse off, and I just knew that I was supposed to play Lucky Stars, by Karla Adolphe – which no one would recognize other than my friends who have heard me play it before.  It was absolutely fantastic.  I felt so much peace singing that song.  The judges loved it, said it was just amazing, two guys took their shirts off in the crowd, someone yelled out “I want your babies Hilary!!”, and I blushed and giggled a lot.  Awesome.

It was a really good night, and I am most definitely aglow.

I’ll keep you posted for voting, which starts next week!!!

I just played my CD for my boss and my fellow managers today on the way home from Moncton.  I couldn’t breathe the entire time.  My muscles were all clenched.  I was so insecure.  Partially because some of my songs are about God, and I wasn’t sure how that would make them feel.  And because I’m still not confident with my recorded sound.  I’m still all hyped up from it.  Still having a hard time breathing, although that’s sort of common for me.  Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe.  And I’m all tense.  I could use another massage, except that a certain masseuse in town has ruined me for all time, and now I can’t enjoy massages from other people because it was just so freaking good.

I had to use all the strength and courage and trust that I had to ask if they wanted to listen to it.  I’ve only just started being myself around them in the last month, and I still tend to want them to see me as this person that I’m not.  My heart was beating four times as fast…and it’s only just starting to calm down.  So funny how everything that I’ve been writing about and praying about lately was personified in that one moment.  I just wanted them to tell me that they loved it.

Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately, if you want to take my sin-based insecurities into account) just as the last song was ending, three kids were crossing a four-lane road walking really slow, and Scott decided to take it upon himself to scare the crap out of them and almost hit them and honked the horn really loud.  They didn’t even react.  They just stared and continued to walk really slowly.  Kids these days.  Anyway, the moment was kind of lost for them to comment on my CD.  Although, Scott told me that it was really good when we were waiting in line at Wok Box (where they are giving away free food today, in honour of their grand opening).  Bizarre, how I was so sure that he would be the one not to react at all, and he was the only one who commented.  I’m not really sure how I feel about that, seeing as I consider him to be pretty robotic and emotionless. (I say this to his face, too, so I don’t feel bad writing it here…just so you know I’m not a total jerk.)  Just goes to show you how you can never really have someone figured out, and how we all have the capacity to surprise one another.

Who knew?

Nearly every time I have sat down to read the Bible lately, I have been moved to tears.  I guess I got what I asked for.  About a month ago, I was helping lead a small group at our church based on a book by Charles Swindoll, called “The Intimacy of God”.  On the last night, I spoke about ultimate intimacy with God through communion.  I said that I was so sick with myself that I did not weep every time I received communion, recognizing Jesus’ sacrifice for me.  And now I find that I can hardly think about it without feeling nauseous (as I am beginning to feel now) and having tears well up.  You know that feeling where it just seems like every thing inside your face is swelling up, and you know tears are just going to start pouring down?  Yeah, my face is doing that.  Right now.

A few weeks ago I was taking the bus home, and there was a young girl across from me reading the Bible.  And I had this gross thought, that I would never want to be that person who reads the Bible in public, because I did not want to appear irrelevant.  And I have read the Bible in public before, and I felt awkward mostly.  Either that, or it was when I was in my “pray for random people in public, super freakily fervent” days.  Either way, I was always super aware that I was reading the Bible in public.  No matter how funky your Bible cover is, there is no way to disguise what it is.  There is just something distinct about those columns with numbers and red letters.  I have been thinking about these gross feelings lately, wondering where they are coming from.  And I still don’t know.  But this is what my fingers ended up writing about tonight, so here we go.

I know that I have gross, judgmental thoughts about how people express their faith.  I have one customer who comes in pretty frequently, and he sits in the corner and reads the Bible.  He has lots of highlighters.  Like four different colours.  I sat next to him once on a break, and I just felt like he wanted to talk to me about the Bible the whole time.  Even though he didn’t mention it.  I just felt like he was waiting for the moment.  He commented on the book I was reading.  I didn’t really say much.  I kept on thinking, “if he starts talking to me about Christianity, I’m just going to say something stupid, like, I already know Jesus, thanks.”  What is wrong with me?  Why am I so uptight about this?  You would think that I would have been happy to converse with a brother in Christ about our Saviour.  And yet, I just had these gross feelings like he was going to try to shove Jesus down my throat.  You would think that I would have taken this as an opportunity to maybe help him communicate the Gospel more effectively.  Then again, I really shouldn’t even be speculating, because I have no idea what he was going to do.  I didn’t really give him a chance.

I am more comfortable talking about Jesus and the Kingdom of God with people who don’t know Him, than with people who do…..  It’s like, if they don’t know Jesus, then they don’t know any better, and I have no reason to judge them.  Not that I really have any more reason to judge Christians.  This is just the way my twisted brain works sometimes.

Today, I read the Bible in the bus on the way home.  It felt OK, although I sort of had to psych myself into it.  I am in the middle of reading Romans now.

“What shall we say about such wonderful things?  If God is for us, who can ever be against us?  Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all (tears are forming again..) won’t he also give us everything else?  Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? (Thanks for choosing me, Father!)  No one – for God himself has given us right standing with himself.  Who then will condemn us?  No one – for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us (frig…) and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love?  Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

“And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from God’s love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky or in the earth below – indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I know that this really all boils down to my insecurities.  Again.  That I still just want to be cool.  And that my desire for coolness and acceptance from society still tends to overwrite my desire for intimacy with God.  Not that I don’t love Jesus and desire to be with Him constantly.  Wow, here I go justifying myself to my blog.  Awesome.  I just know that it takes a really long time to break old habits, and to build new ones.  And I have been believing lies about myself my whole life, and that it will take time for these truths to fully be ingrained in my brain, my heart, my soul.  I have known Jesus for six years now.  You’d think I would trust Him by now.  But I realize that really, if I was technically reborn when I met Christ, that I am only six years old and cannot be expected to have it all together yet.  I am probably using that as a cop out for my feelings of judgment towards other Christians, but I take some comfort in it nonetheless.  At least I know that nothing at all, not even my own insecurities and the lies I chose to believe so often, can separate me from the Love of God.  And that is something to be joyful about.

Sometimes it amazes me how selfish we humans are.  Always out for ourselves.  Even when we do things for others, we revel in how it makes us feel.  True selflessness would be to do show kindness and favour for those who hate us and would never show any gratitude towards us. But who wants to do that?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last year.  Human Beings are so lost.  I am so lost.  I am constantly seeking approval, seeking validation, seeking to be named.  Except that I am always looking to be glorified by other people, instead of simply accepting the glory that I have by being made in the Image of God, who is Glorious.

On my quest for value, I am constantly putting others in the position of god in my life.  I am an idolater.  For if I seek approval from them, I am giving them the authority to tell me who I am.  Which would be fine if they were not also searching for their identity.  If God is the only Being to truly know who He is, then He is the only One who can tell me who I am, because He won’t be seeking approval from me.  He is already approved.  And I could have my own sense of approval were I only to listen to what He has to say about me.

That I am His child.  His workmanship.  His creation.  His friend.  His princess.  His image-bearer.

Only, these things are so much more difficult to accept than what the world has to say about me.  That I am flaky.  Inconsistent.  A promise-breaker.  A liar.   Disorganized.  Bad with money.  I’d much rather embrace these pieces of myself for some reason.  Maybe because it gives me something to complain about.  Either way, it is much easier to believe that these traits are who I am that it is to believe that God fully loves me.

I’ve read through Galatians three times in the last 24 hours. These things keep on sticking out and kicking me right in the gut.

1:11 “Am I now trying to win human approval, or God’s approval?  Or am I trying to please people?  If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

4:8-9 “Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods.  But now that you know God – or rather are known by God – how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces?  Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?“

Whenever I have thought about Jesus in the last 24 hours, I have found it hard to breathe, out of awe and terror for what He did on my behalf.  It makes me sick to my stomach that He took on my sin and actually died for me.  How ridiculous is that?  I feel like shouting at Him!  “Why would you do something like that?  It can’t have been worth it.  I’ll only break your heart, Jesus.”  And yet somehow over my shouting, I can hear Him whisper, “I love you”.  And it causes my heart to break.  And it makes my walls crumble – the walls that I have built to keep out His love, and to keep in all the lies I’ve been hoarding.

Maybe some day I’ll believe He loves me for more than five seconds at a time.

My name is Hilary, and I’m a self-aholic.

First album is RECORDED!  One heck of a long day later, I am quite tired.  Although I did go out last night for a friend’s birthday knowing that I would have to be up early this morning.  So I really must take the blame for my fatigue.

If you haven’t already figured this out, I’ll spell it out – I’M SO EXCITED THAT THIS IS FINALLY HAPPENING!  Granted, there is still quite a bit left to the whole process, the ball is rolling, and I’m starting to realize this isn’t pretend.  Still some conflicting feelings in my heart as to whether I’m pursuing the right genre of music.  Classical/opera is still my heartbeat.  But this acoustic folk-ey sound is certainly growing on me.  I can tell because last night while I was out, instead of conversing half the time I was writing guitar riffs and lyrics in my purse-notebook.  Go figure – I’m becoming that person.  I just hope that some real good stuff comes out of those moments of anti-socialism.  We’ll see.

Either way, as previously mentioned, I am quite tired.  And I must awake at 5am tomorrow.  Thus, it is time for bed.

Goodnight people.

PS.  If you haven’t heard the latest Jars of Clay album, you should really get a hold of it.  It’s fantastic.

I have a few more, but Shawn took them to camp with him before I realized I hadn’t taken a picture of them yet.   I’ll get ahold of them next time I see him.

Just realized I forgot to post the videos themselves.  Oops!

So, my first day on my own.  Shawn left for Camp Medley yesterday afternoon.  So I decided that I would continue on my original promise, which I am very aware has been broken, and have recorded a few more songs for YouTube.  I know, I know.  I said one a day.  Apparently I lied.

Good news though!  I’m recording my CD on WEDNESDAY.  As in, TWO DAYS FROM NOW.  I’m freaking out a little, if you couldn’t tell already.  Very big week this week.  Kaitlyn, my assistant manager in training started today.  She’s only at my store for 6 weeks, but I think it’ll be a really good 6 weeks for her, and for us.  Especially since cruise ships start this week.  As in tomorrow.  We have one tomorrow and one on Saturday.  I’m not really sure what to expect.  It’s going to be crazy!  Plus recording my CD on Wednesday.  Plus getting used to my husband being away.  At least I can go to bed as early as I want to.  I was in bed by 8:30 last night.  It was awesome.

Also, I decided to listen to Kesha really loud today.  I’m such a freaking rockstar.  Love it.

If thou coulds’t empty all thyself of self
Like to a shell dishabited
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf
And say, “This is not dead,”
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou
And hast such shrewd activity
That when He comes He says,”This is enow unto itself,
‘Twere better let it be, it is so small and full
There is no room for Me.”

Sir Thomas Browne

So I’ve had this cold for the last week.  And I’ve just taken some Buckley’s and so I’m not talking for a while to let it set in.  So I thought I’d take this opportunity to write a little, catch up.

I’ve been doing some serious thinking about recording for the last little while.  And I’ve got it sorted out!  I don’t have a date yet, but all I have to do is pick one and it will be done!  First I’m doing an EP of my originals.  I’m working on writing my second album now that’s going to be a collection of the songs I’ve written from Ruth’s poetry.  So far I’ve written three songs, and I’ve got two more on the go.  Looking forward to seeing how it all turns out!

Ok….I know it’s not much, but I’m not sure how much longer I can focus.  I can feel the sinus pressure kicking in..

Frigging cold….